


Echo Of The Past

by Shirou9Atsuya



Category: Inazuma Eleven
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Violence, Car Accidents, Child Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, Feelings, Hallucinations, Loneliness, Original Character Death(s), Orphan - Freeform, Other, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Self-Mutilation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 17:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13462899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirou9Atsuya/pseuds/Shirou9Atsuya
Summary: “After all, when a stone is dropped into a pond, the water continues quivering even after the stone has sunk to the bottom.” - Arthur Golden.





	Echo Of The Past

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ! I hope you're doing great.
> 
> Here is my first oneshot posted on AO3. And I'll begin with an oneshot about my babies. I would like to warn you that, if it's too difficult to read, stop it. I don't want you to read it 'cause you want to please me. I wrote pretty deep and painful stuff, and I don't want anyone to get hurt. So please, don't read it if it makes you suffer.
> 
> But for those who read it, prepare tissues and good luck !!
> 
> P.S. : I don't own any of the characters. Also, sorry for the typos/mistakes you may see.

He could feel him. He could hear him. He felt he was trying to take control of his own body... Until now, he had never let him do it. He couldn't, and he didn't want it either. But why did Atsuya try so hard to do it ? Why was his voice still ringing from his head ? Why couldn't he leave him alone for two seconds, even when he was trying to focus on the lesson before him ?

Shirou sighed, and tried to ignore his brother's voice so that he could concentrate on reading the passage, the one which the professor was reading aloud. But he knew it well... Atsuya was too stubborn to give up.

_"Shirou, answer me."_

He massaged his forehead discreetly, biting his lower lip to keep from swearing. He always caused a horrible migraine that intensified with each of his words. Shirou was no longer sure whether possessing Atsuya's personality was a blessing, or simply a curse ready to haunt him for as long as it could. Shirou swallowed, and raised his hand feverishly. The teacher stopped short.

"Yes, Fubuki-kun ?"

"I'm sorry to stop the class, but... could I go to the infirmary, please ?"

He felt all eyes on him. He could hear the annoying murmurs of his comrades, apart from his two teammates who stared at him with worry. The adult stared at him for a moment, before gently nodding, understanding.

"Of course. Stay there as much as you want."

"Thank you Sensei."

And his chair scraped the floor as he got up, gathering his belongings in his bag. And that done, he eagerly left the classroom, without a glance at the other students. Not of shame, but seeing them could push him to kill them all on the spot. Shirou squeezed the strap of his bag tightly, and took a quick step towards the front door. He knew that what he was doing wasn't the best thing to do. But this building was too stuffy, and everything that came under his eyes got on his nerves. He needed to go out. Atsuya spoke again.

_"Now you can answer me without any problem."_

"Leave me alone, Atsuya."

He shuddered as he went outside, seeing the snow slowly falling from the cottony clouds that covered the sky. No risk that something could happen. He could go home with no problem.

_"What audacity, Shirou ! I didn't know you would leave school without permission."_

"What the nurse prescribes will not help you to shut up."

For brief seconds, silence reigned in his mind. And Shirou was happy to enjoy it. It was so rare that the other couldn't say anything, that the other was caught in his own game...

The sound of the snow under his feet was the only thing that broke that almost disturbing silence. Even his surroundings were silent. Walking in the snow was pretty pleasant...The smell of the fir trees filling his nostrils, the snowflakes stinging his skin by its sudden coldness, the light but chilling breeze desperately trying to freeze his limbs, the mass of white powder rising up to his knees, as if trying to help this breeze to imprison him and prevent him from continuing. But at the thought of the reassuring chalet, the rocking heat of his blanket, his hot chocolate with six marshmallows filling his body with an even stronger heat, but so sweet at the same time... And tranquility. This moment of loneliness which, at times, was delicious, like a dish difficult to find, precious for its rarity.

Shirou swallowed, and suddenly felt guilty for wishing for such a thing when he was lucky enough to...

"I'm sorry, Atsuya."

The other didn't answer. He inhaled, then exhaled, and while looking ahead, he continued.

"Atsuya, please... Answer me."

_"I thought you preferred me to shut up."_

His head buried in the scarf, his hands protected in the pockets of his coat, he swallowed again.

"You don't know how much I have to be patient with you. Sometimes... you get me to lose my patience, to make me reach my own limits."

_"Tss, and that's you who is saying that ? If I had to get upset every time you didn't answer me..."_

"There are times to talk, Atsuya," Shirou replied, teeth clenched.

_"Say rather that you're too scared to look crazy."_

"But I'm already with you !" Shirou shouted, his body trembling with that anger that had suddenly overwhelmed him, stopping him right in the middle of the path.

He was breathing hard, and swore as he rubbed his tired face, suppressing the urge to let off himself on somebody, something... anything so that he could remove the frustration that Atsuya kept intensifying every time he spoke. If their mother was still there, she would have quickly calmed them down...

"Atsuya, please... Try to understand me," he began in a weak voice. "It's hard and testing for me to contain our two personalities on a daily basis." He paused a few seconds before continuing. "I'd just like you to help me make it easier... for both of us," Shirou finished in a whisper.

Atsuya's response was late, but reassured Shirou. _"Okay."_ It was simple, concise, but he didn't need more. He sighed in spite of himself.

"I'm dying of cold. What if we go home quickly ?"

_"I wouldn't say no."_

 

* * *

 

It has been a while since Shirou had arrived home. His guardian had called him when he arrived at the chalet to ask for an explanation about his lie and the fact that he left school without the teacher's permission or anyone else's permission. He had explained that he wasn't feeling very well, and that he didn't have the strength to warn them. Another lie... that the other accepted. His guardian was naive, which suited him.

Shirou had not done anything special since he arrived at the chalet. He was doing what he wanted to do from the time he left the chalet to go to school, on his way to school, then on his way to his home : he was covered with a thick blanket, sitting on his couch in front of the fireplace, drinking steaming hot chocolate with six marshmallows sometimes appearing on its surface. Atsuya seemed to be enjoying the moment too. Although he has not said a word, it wasn't because he was angry. He could feel it... Atsuya was taking the advantage of this precious moment as much as he was, because he also liked that kind of moment when he was young... and it was still relevant.

The fire crackled in the fireplace, the flames dancing in front of his drooping gray eyes. The wind was trying to capture him again, but the windows prevented it from doing so. He was feeling good, and safe and sound...

_"Shirou."_

"Hum ? "

_"What kind of pain do you feel when I go too far ?"_

Atsuya had apologized... indirectly. He was always implicit, or almost, when he had to apologize. And he only did it if he felt that he was the one to blame, that he had exceeded the limits. But Shirou was surprised by this sudden question.

He went back to the couch, so he couldn't sit cross-legged, but lay on the couch, supported by the cushions behind his back and his head. It was a little more comfortable, and more enjoyable. He kept staring at the spinning chocolate in his old warm cup.

"Why are you asking me such a question ?"

_"Just answer me, Shirou."_

Shirou just turned his head towards the fireplace, watching the fire continuing to dance, the flames still as intense as when he had lit them.

"You must know that I don't blame you for that, Atsuya."

_"So why ?"_

Shirou leaned over the fir-tree coffee table and gently placed the empty cup on the glass. He moved back afterwards, and buried his arms and hands under the blanket. It was even more comfortable, and more enjoyable...

His drooping eyes stared at the stone beam not far from the sofa, just in front of him. His heart was beating softly.

"It's not the same thing since you left me. Every day, I think about this accident, and every time I... I cannot help but blame you for saving me that day." He paused for a few seconds. "Sometimes I tell myself that I would have preferred to die with you, instead of undergoing all this..."

His hand was rubbing his neck now. His nails were sinking into his skin. This ball in the belly. This difficulty swallowing, with his throat knotted. This difficulty breathing properly, and his eyes tingling every second that passed... and this hollow at the level of his heart. These heavy feelings of sadness, anger, grief accumulated over the years, when he had grown up without his family... He couldn't fill this gaping hole in him anymore. And Atsuya was one of the culprits...

He sniffled loudly, pulling his sleeve to dry the tears that had run down his cheeks. He inhaled deeply, and his chest suddenly falling, he closed his eyes for a moment. He shuddered

"Atsuya..."

This kind of moments was very strange. Sometimes he felt like he was feeling Atsuya. Not inside him, but at his side. As if now, he was lying next to him, his arm against his, his hand holding his own in a gesture of comfort so sweet, and his head gently placed on his shoulder... he was even feeling like his hair carrots tickling the hollow of his neck... That was why he was so lost.

Shirou took advantage of this moment as stopped in time, his closed eyes not being able to see the flames dancing in the fireplace, the snow hurtling down the hill to violently hit the car, Atsuya and his parents' bodies completely destroyed, lying on all their length on the white powder that had stolen from them that precious thing that life was. He couldn't hear the crackling of those flames, nor the sound of an avalanche like a roar of thunder, his mother's frightened cry, and Atsuya's voice shouting at him things that were still indistinct to him. There was only Atsuya in front of him, his voice so powerful and still so sweet vibrating in his head.

_"You still have not told me why you were blaming me."_

Was he dreaming or not ? Had the madness already made its decision, and was going to embark him on this infernal train without any possible return ? Or... Was Atsuya really at his feet, lying on him all the way, his head supported by his hands to fix Shirou who had never left his eyes once. His heart was beating even harder than before now.

His feverish hand rose cautiously, to get closer to his brother's face, to caress his face that was so close to his. He could feel the panic, the fear of disappointment, but also the intense excitement and the consuming joy when he thought of the sensation of his skin under his fingers, who were going to caress his pink cheek. His fingers only crossed him. And it was at that moment that he realized how stupid he had been for a few seconds. How could he be there when he couldn't even feel his weight on his lower body ?

Tears rose to his eyes, and his mouth parted, his arm fell to his side, the salt water again moistening his pale-skinned cheeks, extremely pale... even paler than usual. He had even more trouble breathing.

_"Shirou."_

"Disappear."

_"What ?"_

"I asked you to disappear !"

And after shouting those words, he angrily threw the blanket on the floor, waving it forcefully as if to make his dead brother disappear. Was he really haunting him ? Shouldn't he be happy to have him with him, even though his body should be nothing more than dust in his coffin ? Shouldn't he stop being completely stupid, and accept that he will never come back, and that what he created in him was the only thing of his brother still present on this earth ? Shouldn't he try to take advantage of it ?

Shirou's breathing was even more jerky, and as his heart kept pounding in his chest, he climbed the stairs quickly to the bathroom. The only place that contained what he needed.

He burst into the room, slamming the door behind him, making sure nothing and no one could save him when he did. And with all his might, he was trying to repel the anxiety attack that was once again storming him to feverishly rummage through the cabinets hung above the sink, also trying to ignore the mirror that reflected him, his eyes reddened by the tears that continued to flow. It was at that moment that Atsuya's voice spoke to him again.

_"What are you trying to do, Shirou ?"_

He couldn't still find these damn drugs strong enough to end him. He was slowly losing patience, strength, and energy as Atsuya began again. He was still doing what he hated the most about him: talking to him.

_"Shirou, what are you doing ?"_

"Shut the fuck up, Atsuya."

_"Shirou,"_ Atsuya's voice repeated a little more authoritatively. _"Stop immediately."_

The little box finally appeared. The end was getting closer to each of his gestures... to each of Atsuya's words.

_"Shirou !"_

For a moment, he felt Atsuya try to take control of his body. His head was spinning as he was struggling against his brother, not letting him take control of his body and stopping him in the middle of what he was doing. He had learned to fight against him. And Atsuya knew it very well. His trembling fingers were desperately trying to open the white box, anxious and at the same time eager to swallow all its deadly content, continuing to resist Atsuya who was trying to steal his place over and over again. His eyes met Atsuya's reflection behind him, and as a strange shiver ran down his back, he swallowed and turned his attention back to what he was doing.

"Atsuya, get out."

_"I will not leave. Now, look at me !"_

"I said GET OUT !!" Shirou shouted. And the box in the hollow of his left hand, the other crashed on the mirror, which broke instantly by the force of the blow that had just been given. And yet, only a few pieces fell in the sink, and on the floor. The sink, so white and glittering, was spotted with drops of blood flowing from Shirou's hand. Images of Atsuya lying on the snow, the latter slowly absorbing his blood, appeared before his eyes. He could hear the last cry of despair before he fainted. Panic took over him.

The thick, sticky red liquid continued to flow profusely over his hand and forearm, and Shirou dropped on the floor, scratching his legs with pieces of glass strewn on the floor. The pain he felt in his chest was even stronger and dying than the pain he felt. It was even... pleased compared to it. And he didn't mind, after all the self-mutilation... The box was still in his hand.

_"Shirou, don't do that. Please."_

"You don't understand. You understand nothing."

After whispering those words, interspersed with incessant sobs, Shirou finally opened the small box of medicine, revealing lots of little blue pills. His Adam's apple rolled down his throat, his chest moving up and down, and his heart beating faster than ever. Atsuya was desperately trying to take control of his body to stop him, desperately trying to convince him to stop. But his words seemed distant. All he could see, like every day since that accident, was a world without color, without taste, with nothing hat couldn't hold him back for a second more. He had imagined suicide a little easier...

"I can do it. I can do it. Shirou, you can do it", he was murmuring to himself, tears still flowing down his cheeks.

He closed his eyes. And it was as if the moment he had lived a few minutes earlier was repeated once again. This sudden sensation of warmth overwhelmed him again. And when he opened his eyes, Atsuya was in the same position as him, his hands resting on his cheeks, and his face showed a different expression...

"Atsuya."

_"IDIOT ! I forbid you to do that !"_

This expression was strange. It was a mixture of anger, of despair, of supplication, of sadness that he couldn't have imagined seeing on his twin brother's face. And instead of bubbling with anger at the youngest, he was feeling guilty and compassion... without knowing why. He suppressed those feelings.

"Let me do it, Atsuya."

_"No."_

"You cannot do anything to stop me. You are not even real."

His words echoed in the room, and he would have liked to retrieve them, and swallow them to make them disappear. But he couldn't. Those words left a horrible taste in his mouth.

He looked down at his bloody hand, then turned to the little box. His other hand slowly approached it when Atsuya's voice stopped him.

_"I know why you blame me."_

Shirou, the surprise disappearing, finally took a little blue pill between his fingers, and watched it for a moment.

"Why ?"

_"These are not all the reasons you told me... They are only minimal in front of the biggest problem... me."_

Shirou looked up at his brother, who was smiling.

_"I knew it was complicated for you, to preserve your personality in front of mine which was becoming more and more overwhelming... You see me both as the shadow that overwhelms you in this sadness and endless loneliness, but this light that heals you from the wounds this shadow has inflicted on you..."_

His fingers seemed more and more real. He was sure of it now : he was completely crazy. But he was feeling so good in this madness...

Atsuya stroked his brother's cheek, who tilted his head towards his hand to feel this more than pleasant feeling, his eyes closed.

_"I played the big bad wolf to make you realize that... I'm not the one who you need the most."_

And his hands went down on his, and he could almost feel the softness of his gestures as his fingers opened his hands little by little, one of them which was holding this little murderous white box, and the other the pill. Shirou let himself be.

_"Since that day, I have sworn to you that you would always be safe. Since the day I appeared, I have sworn to protect you at all costs... even against me. Even against yourself."_

He opened his eyes again. The bathroom was a bloody mess. The pills were on the ground, as his blood continued to grime it, the pain coming and forth, his legs still on the pieces of glass. But he was used to it. It wasn't even painful anymore. And he couldn't take his off his brother's eyes, who was observing him with intensity.

_"Promise me that you will not inflict any unnecessary suffering to yourself."_

" I promise you." After all this time he had hurt himself. After all the moments he had thought about ways to kill himself... It has been easier to promise this than kill himself few seconds ago. It was very strange.

Atsuya was smiling tenderly. Shirou wasn't smiling, too busy staring at his brother, realizing how beautiful and radiant he was. A question suddenly came to his mind.

"Atsuya ... is all this real ?"

Atsuya's smile widened, and as he heard knocking at the front door, their faces were only a few inches apart, his eyes closed, Atsuya's lips kissing his cheek, shivering from the feeling of his lips on it.

_"Of course it's real, idiot."_

 

* * *

 

Shirou had fainted. And the knocking on the door had been the one of his guardian, who had called him again. He was worried because he had not answer to him, or he always had answered. That's why he came to the chalet. And it was at that moment, when he burst into the bathroom, he saw him lying on the tiles, the scattered pills and his face painted with his own blood that was continuing to flow.

He had been in the hospital for a week or two. He couldn't remember. The doctors had treated him, had examined him, and prescribed new drugs a little more powerful, to calm "his anxiety" and increase resistance to the strong personality of Atsuya. Atsuya...

Shirou had not seen him since then in the bathroom. No more than once his voice had annoyed him with his incessant questions, no more than once Shirou had to take a pill to calm his headache, no more than once he had trouble sleeping or concentrating... Atsuya's absence, the absence he had so desired, was in the end disturbing him. This gaping hole in his heart had only widened. And yet, even though he would already succumb to the desperation of no longer having the strength he had so longed for, and try to put an end to his life... he didn't do anything about it. He didn't know if what he had experienced that day had been real, or just a pure creation of his mind, a moment of madness... But he wanted to keep that promise he made to Atsuya.

He had thought he was gone. He had thought he had lost the only piece he owned of Atsuya. Until that day.

Shirou was vaguely listening to the lesson. His head resting on his palm, his elbow resting itself on the desk, he was staring at the snow falling outside, the teacher talking in a vacuum. It was at this moment that he closed his eyes. And that was at this moment this pleasant sensation, long since vanished, resurfaced.

_"So, Shirou. Will you answer my question now ?"_

When he opened his eyes, Atsuya had his head resting on his desk, staring intently at him, that mischievous smile stretching his lips. Shirou smiled.

"Which one ?"

_"Idiot. Do you still love me ?"_

He closed his eyes.

"Madly."

**Author's Note:**

> Please, don't hesitate to leave comments & kudos. <3


End file.
